Age ratings being rolled out on Twitter

Following their controversial announcement about local censorship in order to comply with national legislation, Twitter have decided to go one step further by giving an age rating to profiles. Though the initiative is only at pilot stage, the roll out has started with verified accounts (accounts of celebrities, politicians, etc. that have been verified as being held by the right person). Amongst the 18+, rappers, dubious actors with bad spelling and…Vice-President Neelie Kroes of the European Commission.

When asked why the 70 year old Dutch politician was faced with such a child unfriendly rating, Twitter referred to a tweet she sent out at a live tweet session today, where she stated:

The tweet that triggered the rating

As an unofficial source stated to the BJ: ‘C’mon: you can’t send a mental image like that out there at a time where kids could see it. It’s just not done’.

Well, it seems some other iconic figures are working on the next chart-topping hit (not). Rather like the new intergovernmental treaty, nobody seems to know quite what it’s in aid of. However, the mulled wine stains on the hand-scrawled lyrics that came our way make them appear authentic. Transcribed here:

Can we know it’s Christmas?

(All)
It’s Christmas time, we’re trying hard not to be afraid
At Christmas time, we let Jean-Claude smoke and forgive Dave

(Herman)

And while we struggle with our treaties, we still spread a smile of joy!
Don’t mistake our resolve at Christmas time!

(José)
But say a prayer – pray for the EU staff
Doing extra time. It’s hard, cos when you’re downing stuff
They’re just staring at their emails

(Nicolas)
Waiting on rating agencies
Hoping banks will make good use of that unlimited liquidity
And the market bells are ringing out the euro’s new year doom

(Angela)
And soon there’ll be homework for all of you

(Monti)
And there’s little for the Club Med folks this Christmas time
We just signed up to pay the Germans fines

Our economies barely grow
Reaping what the euro sowed

(All)
Can we know it’s Christmas time at all?

Here’s to us
Cheering for the Union
Here’s to them
Underneath those burning bonds

Can we know it’s Christmas time at all?

(Mario, repeats over and over)

E C B
E C B
E C B
Remember it’s not Santa Claus

Dr Haiku wishes one syllable each would be enough for managing his 17 staff members.

“Nowhere has laxity been more apparent than in the teaching of the most noble of the classics, the subject on which our educational edifice is founded. Poor results in Greek are threatening to bring the school into disrepute, allowing that newly resurgent academy to the east (I don’t think I need to name it) to poach an increasing proportion of our rightful intake.

“I have been working for a while now with Mr Papandreou to knock his class into shape, but it’s turning into something of an odyssey, isn’t it George? And though our new colleagues Mr Kenny and Mr Coehlo are making a decent stab at rehabilitating the teaching of Gaelic and Portuguese, there is still a chance of things getting bogged down or coming uncorked.

“I did at first consider that to be the sum total of our weaknesses, but sadly I was wrong. It appears that Mr Zapatero and his predecessor had severely underestimated the distraction of the building site adjacent to the Spanish classroom. And, though he considers himself tenured, I wish to publicly warn Mr Berlusconi that any further reports of frivolous goings on will not be looked at kindly. I also strongly recommend that he takes on board the suggestions of his teaching assistant, Mr Tremonti.

“I would also caution those members of staff whose classes are up to scratch that by pouring scorn in public on their less fortunate colleagues, they undermine the reputation of the whole school. I certainly will not tolerate any further suggestions that the teaching of Greek or latin languages be simply discontinued!

“I’m afraid your experiment in classroom democracy has gone on far too long, Mr Leterme. I suggest that your class expedites its decision on who is to replace you and what language or languages they should learn. As for the idea of splitting the class in two, I would have thought it obvious in the current climate that the school simply cannot contemplate the necessary rearrangements.

“Finally I would like to address the case of the French class where I see a potential problem. I am not sure that Mr Sarkozy’s pupils appreciate his constant back and forth through the connecting door with the German class. Instead of encouraging them to emulate the behaviour of the pupils next door, I fear they have started to see it as a game. Perhaps I have to remind you again, Nicolas, that learning is not a sport.

“However I am completely convinced that, so long as we treat the advice proffered by our educational consultant, Mr Barroso, with the respect he deserves, we can all pull together and restore the true sense of purpose on which this school prides itself.

“Finally I would like to express my thanks to our treasurer Mr Trichet, for the sterling – no, that’s not the most appropriate word – let me say rather, the earnest efforts he is making to ensure we keep our creditors at bay.

“Oh, I nearly forgot. I did see you slipping into the room at the last minute Mr Juncker. I understand you may feel you have been relieved of some of your responsibilities, but that is not an excuse. As our longest serving member of staff, it is up to you to set an example! I also believe I smelled smoke.”

It's all about preserving the danish

The Euro and the financial crisis are not the only elements of disagreement within the Council these days. The adamant continued will of the Danish government to control the quality of imported Danish at their borders is also a source of discontent.

Asked to react by our BJ reporters, a senior Danish civil servant wishing to remain anonymous confided that ‘There’s a lot of fake Danish out there and you really don’t want to know what it’s made of. I mean the European Commission itself published the statistics recently: 85% of counterfeit stuff comes from China. Just imagine if we let our nation be overrun by Chinese Danish? Where would that lead us? The cinnamon to become Chinamon?’.

No one at the Council buildings wished to react to this statement. BJ reporters were however told in confidence that President Van Rompuy was pondering the release of a haiku on Twitter to settle this matter once and for all.

Hint: multiple answers allowed.

Real or fake?

Yesterday, BBC revealed that Downing Street had admitted it uses false names on letters to MPs and members of the public, faking signatures of non-existent civil servants such as a “Mrs E Adams”.

The BJ reporters decided to check if such practices also took place in the EU institutions and found out that every letter ever sent by a European commission civil servant was related to a real life individual working in the institutions. Complaints were however received from those same civil servants that some of the MEPs signing questions to the Commission or Council could only be fake. As one senior civil servant told the BJ off the record: ‘If you look at some of these questions, they feel like they are written by a four-year old on a bad trip of meth…I mean, c’mon, no grown-up with a serious job representing citizens would dare put on paper some of the stuff that we get from that building. It must be some kind of spambot generating them’.

The BJ was also told that the European Commission, though absolutely opposed at the practices that took place in Downing Street, had been experimenting with holograms to allow Commissioners to be in two places at the same time. It is unclear if the experiments have yet reached the stage of actual live testing, though one civil servant did seem to hint someone should try passing their hand through High Representative Ashton one of these days, ‘just to check’.

It’s April’s Fool day so no point in the BJ writing anything: competition is simply yoo harsh out there.

Nevertheless, we have decided to do an attempt at real reporting…of all the false news that is out there today. Your additions using the comments box are obviously welcome and we will attempt to update the page as the dag passes and new ‘false news’ hit our radar screen.

Best spotted so far:

The fake International Foundation for Hashtag Registration website (see here)…Or let us hope it’s fake!

In English speaking press / sites:

Portugal ‘sells’ Ronaldo to Spain in €160m deal on national debt – International, Football – The Independent

ThinkGeek :: PLAYMOBIL(TM) Apple Store Playset

‘L’ symbol to appear on screen whenever ex-lobbyists speak in Parliament – exclusive

Gmail Motion BETA

In Baffling Move, Huffington Post Erects Paywall Solely For NYT Employees

YouTube - Top 5 Viral Pictures of 1911

People You May Know | LinkedIn

Other languages:

Heineken® Bierpad | IJskoud bier uit je SENSEO apparaat

Après Beke, le Roi compte désigner Daerden – lesoir.be

Votre double pécule de vacances sera envoyé au Japon | References.be

Réforme de l’Etat: il n’y a désormais plus de code de la route à Bruxelles – RTBF Societe

Apple annonce la sortie de l’iPhone 4D – Multimédia – Levif focus

The next big thing?

It has been all over the press: MEPs have allegedly been caught by undercover journalists posing as lobbyists accepting payments to defend amendments. Whilst the case is still pending against some of the involved parties, the Austrian MEP Strasser has resigned over the weekend.

But the BJ reporters have found out that the politician has decided to take this incident as an opportunity to change career paths dramatically and delve into an entirely new business, namely perfumes. as the YouTube video below shows (see from 2:16), Mr Strasser is a profound believer of the fact that lobbyists have a ‘special smell’ and he has now decided to put that smell in a bottle and sell it in an exclusive deal with the Planete Parfum chain. Though the details are still being finalised, it seems the perfume will be commercialised before summer break under the name ‘Smell of a Lobbyist, its main fragrances being musk, patchouli and bull shit. The bottle will be as nontransparent as possible, and slipped comfortably in a brown envelope, to ensure the target public feels as comfortable as possible with it. It is unclear if Mr Strasser intends to create a feminine and masculine version of the product or for that matter if he considers that MEPs have a fragrance that is different to lobbyists.

A thing of the past?

On 1 March, a ban prohibiting the manufacture in the European Union of baby bottles containing Bisphenol A (BPA) substance entered  into force.

When confirming the ban, John Dalli, Commissioner in charge of Health and Consumer Policy, said: “March 1 represents a landmark in our efforts to protect better the health of EU citizens, in particular when it comes to our children following the precautionary principle. Due to the fact that there are uncertainties concerning the harmfulness of the exposure of infants to Bisphenol A, the Commission deemed it both necessary and appropriate to take action. The aim is to further reduce the exposure of the most vulnerable part of our population –i.e. the infants– to the substance thus safeguarding their health.”

But voices are already complaining that the collateral benefits brought by Bisphenol A are being destroyed in the process. Randy James, spokesperson for the LBBL (League of Big Breasts Lovers) stated that ‘It is outrageous that infants will now loose the benefit of absorbing substances that have clearly been linked to a wave of bigger breasts across the world’. The EABP (European Association of Bra Producers) added that they were closely monitoring the consequences of this decision in order to ensure that European citizens’ cleavages would not be at a competitive disadvantage with other regions.

Confused and apologetic

On Sunday 20 February, a small team of EU experts arrived as part of the ‘Joint Operation Hermes 2011′ on the island of Lampedusa, to help Italian authorities cope with the latest wave of North African refugees.

The team, made up of so-called ‘screening experts’ , has been sent to the island to help ‘make assumptions’ about the nationality of intercepted illegal immigrants. It seems however they made one assumption too many, when they intercepted an elderly North-African trying to pass himself off as an Italian tourist. The BJ reporters were told the man was arrested by two British experts of the EU mission because his ‘extremely dark body could certainly not be the result of a natural tanning process’, and he was clearly wearing a mask stretched over his face to hide his own image. Suspicions that the man was an illegal immigrant of Libyan origin were further confirmed by the fact that he started shouting in rough Italian: ‘Muammar is my friend! Muammar is my friend!’. He also seemed to suffer from delusion as he replied to the EU experts’ statement that they were the part of Hermes, that he himself was Zeus and hence outranked them.

The man was immediately put back on ship to Libya, as it was considered he presented grave threats to the Italian nation and its citizens. This morning however, an outraged collaborator of the Italian Prime Minister’s office revealed that the incident involved Berlusconi himself, who had decided to ‘unstress’ on the beaches of Lampedusa and had been ‘outrageously attacked by a bunch of incompetent Eurocrats’.

High Representative Ashton was not available for comments this morning but it is expected that she will make statement to let the world now ‘she is extremely concerned by the whole situation’.