Dr Haiku addresses staff at the start of a new semester

“As headmaster, it is my duty to remind you that a viable future for the pupils in our charge depends on instilling discipline first, second and last. For too many years we have allowed laxity to undermine our capacity to push them towards the achievements of which we know they are capable. I am determined to turn this situation around, not least because I wish to demonstrate that I am still the best man to lead the school in recapturing its former glory!

Dr Haiku wishes one syllable each would be enough for managing his 17 staff members.

“Nowhere has laxity been more apparent than in the teaching of the most noble of the classics, the subject on which our educational edifice is founded. Poor results in Greek are threatening to bring the school into disrepute, allowing that newly resurgent academy to the east (I don’t think I need to name it) to poach an increasing proportion of our rightful intake.

“I have been working for a while now with Mr Papandreou to knock his class into shape, but it’s turning into something of an odyssey, isn’t it George? And though our new colleagues Mr Kenny and Mr Coehlo are making a decent stab at rehabilitating the teaching of Gaelic and Portuguese, there is still a chance of things getting bogged down or coming uncorked.

“I did at first consider that to be the sum total of our weaknesses, but sadly I was wrong. It appears that Mr Zapatero and his predecessor had severely underestimated the distraction of the building site adjacent to the Spanish classroom. And, though he considers himself tenured, I wish to publicly warn Mr Berlusconi that any further reports of frivolous goings on will not be looked at kindly. I also strongly recommend that he takes on board the suggestions of his teaching assistant, Mr Tremonti.

“I would also caution those members of staff whose classes are up to scratch that by pouring scorn in public on their less fortunate colleagues, they undermine the reputation of the whole school. I certainly will not tolerate any further suggestions that the teaching of Greek or latin languages be simply discontinued!

“I’m afraid your experiment in classroom democracy has gone on far too long, Mr Leterme. I suggest that your class expedites its decision on who is to replace you and what language or languages they should learn. As for the idea of splitting the class in two, I would have thought it obvious in the current climate that the school simply cannot contemplate the necessary rearrangements.

“Finally I would like to address the case of the French class where I see a potential problem. I am not sure that Mr Sarkozy’s pupils appreciate his constant back and forth through the connecting door with the German class. Instead of encouraging them to emulate the behaviour of the pupils next door, I fear they have started to see it as a game. Perhaps I have to remind you again, Nicolas, that learning is not a sport.

“However I am completely convinced that, so long as we treat the advice proffered by our educational consultant, Mr Barroso, with the respect he deserves, we can all pull together and restore the true sense of purpose on which this school prides itself.

“Finally I would like to express my thanks to our treasurer Mr Trichet, for the sterling – no, that’s not the most appropriate word – let me say rather, the earnest efforts he is making to ensure we keep our creditors at bay.

“Oh, I nearly forgot. I did see you slipping into the room at the last minute Mr Juncker. I understand you may feel you have been relieved of some of your responsibilities, but that is not an excuse. As our longest serving member of staff, it is up to you to set an example! I also believe I smelled smoke.”