Where last orders last and last

Already practicing for the stagiaire chase on Place Lux?

A new eatery is planning to open its doors on the Place Lux this summer once the echoes of vuvuzelas have faded.

In contrast to the sophisticated temporal engineering foreseen by Douglas Adams in the second book of his four-part Hitchhiker’s Guide trilogy, there will be no need to manipulate time to achieve a constant sense of a momentous event at the Restaurant at the End of the EUniverse.

The backers are betting that the supranational edifice will continue to teeter on the edge of the abyss long enough to recoup the investment and make a healthy profit. As the manager explained to the Brussels Jungle, they have a clear idea about how the EU will end:

“The only bangs will be from the percussion of the house band. They’re going to be named after the group imagined by Adams: Disaster Area. Pretty apt, huh? The soundtrack will include favourites reworked to the theme including Don’t Fear the Trader, With or Without EU and Baby you can be HR.

“If we get whimpers, they’ll probably just be from patrons trying not to laugh at the antics of the troupe of Morris dancers we’re booking as an attraction to pull in the UKIP crowd from O’Farrell’s.

“We do however expect a continuous wail of dashed hopes interspersed by bouts of manic cackling from the fundamentally anti-social wing of the I-told-you-so brigade.”

The MC role will be rotated among the stars of the Brussels firmament, based on popular requests (tweet with #MCendEU), their availability or need to publicise a forthcoming conference. On and offline pundits will be offered free drinks if they write the immortal words: “This time it’s definitely curtains for the federalist dream.”