Leterme hands over EU to little known rebel group

The Belgian Presidency of the EU has been handed over to a rebel group, based in the Congo. The Congolese People’s Liberation Army now head the 27 nation strong European Union.

The deal was done shortly after Leterme visited the Congo with King Albert II, to celebrate their former colony’s 50 years of independence. Belgium has been heavily criticised for the colonial rule, under the personal orders of King Leopold, that resulted in widespread cruelty, causing, it is believed, the deaths of ten million Africans.

While it is undisputed that the Congolese militia now have legal control, there are different accounts for how this happened. Officially, a spokesman for the Belgian government said that Prime Minister Leterme was “touched and moved” by his visit and wanted to “make a concrete step as compensation for the colonial excesses”.

Unofficially, there are conflicting reports. Some are saying that Leterme was forced to hand over control after he was shown photographs and video of himself and “other participants” in a house of ill repute in Kinshasha.

However, an aide explained that the truth was simpler, “he lost the presidency in a card game”, after a drunken evening with his hosts.

The Congolese held a meeting with Herman Van Rumpoy, by bundling him into a room at the EU Council, surrounded by Liberation Army ‘diplomats’, all of whom were carrying AK47’s. No press were invited to what was billed as an ‘introductory meet and greet’, but those outside reported hearing muffled cries for help and, what one journalist reported as , “the repeated sound of guns being cocked”. Van Rompuy emerged looking shaken, but said, “we have to make the best of it and I hope that we can work well together for the benefit of all citizens.”

The Congolese are using the Africa Museum in Tervuren as their headquarters, after emptying the building of its exhibits and burning them in the ornamental gardens.

They will announce the revised programme for the Presidency in the next few days, it is expected to include removing barriers to diamond exports, a comprehensive free trade agreement with Congolese exporters and the symbolic renaming of Brussels as Matonge.

Since the announcement, Premier Leterme has been unavailable for comment and there has been speculation as to his whereabouts.