UK Coalition Ministers face stringent pre-European Council behaviour rules

Will dogs be the innocent victims?

The UK new coalition government is taking Europe much more seriously than most political analysts would ever have dared predict: a secret note was leaked this morning, in which Downing street sets out extremely stringent rules of preparation and participation for all its Ministers at Council and European Council meetings.

Procedure rules, such as the handling of confidential documents, discussing of amendments and creation of cross-border coalitions, are not very new and earth-shaking. but the BJ reporters were struck by a new element that had never been present before: item 32 of the list clearly states that “Ministers scheduled to attend a Council meeting, formal or informal, specialised or at European Council level, will have to limit their access to their wives, girlfriends and other companions to one day after each meeting, with further restrictions should discussions on the Euro be on the agenda”.

Sources close to Number 10 told BJ reporters that this measure had been introduced after David Cameron had a secret meeting with Manager Fabio Capello of the UK national football team, who has introduced similar rules for his players at the World Cup. Though Cameron seems to have no expectation that his Ministers will score at Council meeting, he decided to adopt the rule say sources close to him, after hearing that too much sex before an event could lead to weak legs. It is believed that at that point of the conversation, he loudly shouted “so that’s how Angela gets away with all this stuff!”.

Ministers are outraged by the measure. It seems the point of contention relates to the “other companions” bit of the rules, which could have been intended to cover mistresses and same-sex partners, but is feared to cover also dogs and cats. As an anonymous Minister stated to our reporters: “Having an excuse to fend off the Mrs is quite welcome. But no one will keep me away from my good ol’ Rufus” (further investigation indicated that Rufus is a golden retriever with a slight tendency to obesity but a jovial spitrit).