Cat in kitchen could be source of EP neuroses

The environs of the European Parliament canteen have been subject to intense investigation following the recent robbery of its takings. No clues to the identity of the perpretator have yet been found, but security staff have discovered a cat that has apparently been living for years in a disused trash conduit. Given the cat’s unusual fur colour, it is thought it must have escaped after being used for EU promotional purposes.

Did MEPs and staff catch something nasty from EP canteen pussy?

The find has been kept quiet, the Brussels Jungle has learnt, out of fears that the existence of the cat could be linked to the strange comportment of MEPs and staff. A correlation apparently exists between the Toxoplasma brain parasite and neurotic behaviour. And infection is often attributed to the presence of the parasite’s main host, the cat.

The cat generally picks up the parasite from eating infected rats and mice. Research shows these are easier to catch as the parasite interferes with their brain’s dopamine system and they start wandering around and drawing attention to themselves. Anecdotal evidence from watching people in the European Parliament suggests it might be doing the same thing to them.

Other possible effects of human toxoplasmosis are of even more concern, notably the correlation with schizophrenia and being accident prone. It has been shown that schizophrenics are three times more likely than the general population to have antibodies to Toxoplasma. Similarly, both drivers and pedestrians who had been in accidents are three times more likely to be infected than comparable individuals who had not been.

Symptoms include slower reaction times and shorter attention spans, which could explain the accident statistics and many aspects of the parliamentary process.

There is no cure, so there is little hope for a significant shift in the proportion of infected people in the European Parliament until the 2014 elections.

The canteen cat, now named Puss in Chute, has been found a new home.