Commission rebranding uses real words

It’s not difficult to guess the new watchword at DG truth (as DG COMM will be called from May 9th this year). Responding to the pressure of interacting with real people in social media, the European Commission has decided it’s not worth pretending any more and from now on will tell it as it is.

This excavation tool will henceforth be known as a spade.

The first stage in this revolutionary process – our informant remarked to the Brussels Jungle that this was the only time she had ever seen the term used appropriately in a twenty-year career at the institution, is rebranding all the Directorates-General to reflect reality.

A new spirit of modesty and availability to the layman will be present in the use of real words in lower case as opposed to acronyms in all capitals. A further aspect of the change is that names will be almost entirely in English, a notable exception being due to the overwhelming francophone interest in agricultural matters: DG vache.

Only a partial list is available: some names will no doubt be argued over right up to the deadline. The cases of DGs COMP and MARKT are apparently proving especially tricky. The Brussels Jungle will be happy to pass on any helpful suggestions from our readers.

Elsewhere, the task of deciding new names to reflect the state of the EU’s economy seems to have been easier:
• DG ECFIN becomes DG hole. It has special dispensation from DG truth to use black as its corporate colours.
• DG ENTR is accepting the inevitable and staff numbers at the new DG globalisation will be drastically reduced (a draft press release underlines how the first syllable echoes the sound of Europe’s businesses going down the drain).
• DG EMPL however is expected to expand significantly as DG dole.

DG RECH is coming to terms with the fact that research spending is not going to reach the 3% target any time soon. So they will focus on a positive outlook for the future as DG bluesky while DG wild (ex-ENV) fondly remembers the planet before the advent of human society. DG EAC will aim to keep the minds of the citizenry off their suffering as DG d&d (for delay and distraction), brought to them largely thanks to the services organised by DG pipedream (ex-INFSO).

DG beach will not need to adjust its identity: the truth is, Eurocrats are among the few people for whom life is not about to become a real bitch.